Its been a long time

Right now, as I sit at the computer and listen to the tapping of the keyboard in front of me, I look to the digital clock on the bottom right hand side of the window.

01:30

It is currently half one in the morning, and I am not the slightest bit tired. In fact, Im more awake now than I have been all day. And all through my head I cant help but think of all the issues on my mind, trying to organise them into little categories in the lobes of my brain so maybe I'll be able to think more logically. Well, maybe it would be better if I explain my current situation, to make life a tad easier for you.

I am fresh from a new job, it lasted the grand total of 3 weeks. 3 Bloody weeks? Wait, before you judge me and give me that "beggars cant be choosers" bullcrap, I'll explain.

The job from Fairlawns Care Home in Wash lane began as a huge project for me. I dedicated weeks to obtaining this job, letters, phone calls upon phone calls, and I was constantly knocking at the front door. The home was small, but seemed decent, and the residents seemed nice (Even if they were obviously suffering from severe dementia) so I decided i'd give this job my all, my best.

I applied for a post as a carer, but whilst my CRB check was being processed, I would become a domestic. A favour, the manager said. And at the time, I agreed, I'm quite the workaholic at heart and I didn't want to spend any more mornings watching The Jeremy Kyle Show and vegetating in front of the laptop, so naturally I jumped at the chance. The first week was fine, if a bit hectic. Naive, silly me soon began to learn that three hours to clean a 14 bedroomed house, each with its own on-suite bathroom, was a near- impossible task. I left two hours late on ym first day, and that pattern followed the week onwards.

Things only began to become worse. I was being given more jobs to do within the already squeezed alloted time, and if they werent done properly, I was made to feel as if one of the residents could do it standing on their heads. So I did my job dutily, albeit leaving about 2- 3 hours after my finishing time, if only to impress them.

Then, the major day came. The day me, an unqualified, untrained, unchecked domestic (my CRB came late) was asked to stay on as a Carer, if only for that night. I was excited beyond excitement, even though a nagging thought at the back of my head was telling me it was a dodgy move. I didnt care, I was finally thinking "I've done something right! Wow!" I came back excited and promptly, and was soon asked to help.

I was horrified at what I saw, and had to ask my mother for her opinion. I was very sad to hear that this kind of treatment is common in the caring career and even though it is very, very wrong, theres nothing I can do about it. The carer came into an old lady's room, stripped her, bathed her, lifted her and dressed her (with my help) without uttering a single word to her. I was disgusted and had to leave the room with tears in my eyes. All I could see was someone's mother, someone's wife, someone's loved one being pulled about as if she wasn't human, just a rag doll. During that night I was asked to move someone from the lounge and landed up dropping a lady (She wasnt hurt, I lowered her to the floor as gently as I could), turns out that was very wrong since I should have done a moving and handling course THAT VERY SECOND I WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR AS AN EMPLOYEE, and was left alone to clean a woman up after only watching two people get changed. Yes, me, an unknown off the street, left to clean a woman. I could be anyone! I'd never ever hurt a person ever, but someone else might. I cleaned her up best I could and got told off because I took too long.

It's a shame, that lady loved me to pieces.

None of the english employees believed my story after that. So, I left, and with it, my dignity. I want to work for a good, lawful place with no threat that I'll get in trouble just trying to help people. I've been offered a place in my mother's care home, and I am jumping at that chance. It's a bit of a hop, skip and a jump away but it's fine for me. As long as I don't have that word "UNEMPLOYED" after my name again. God i hate that fucking word.

Sigh. Thing on my mind number 2. It's that taboo word... fertility.

Strange thing for me, a near 19 year old to be thinking about, but it doesnt take Einstein to figure somethings afoot with either me or Daniel. It's not as if we're trying for a baby, thats a bit of a steep hill to climb and our finances barely have room to contain us (and even then it's a stretch) but from the beginning of our relationship, my contraception- taking routine is sketchy at the very best. One instance, in the fourth month of our relationship, I took the grand total of 7 pills, and at the time we were going at it like a pair of rabbits (heh!). From the words from Daniel himself, if one of us were working right, I'd be ready to pop now, or even had it now.


Either we've been extremely lucky, or somethings amiss here. The reason for this to be brought to light is the fact I'm tired of my pill-taking, and want the implant. But theres not much point if one of us is "firing blanks" so to speak.

We've always had these suspicions, since Daniel had an incident once, and they were so damaged that the tubes might be damaged. Emphasis on MIGHT.

So, Daniel's hospital appointment is coming up. He's terrified, and to be honest, so am I. I've naturally promised to stay with him if worst comes to worst (Better for worse never meant so much) so the wedding is definately going ahead, and the way I look at it, theres a little boy or girl out there wanting a loving home and needing a family.

But deep down, I want to feel a litlun growing inside me, to feel that unique bond of mother and child. Daniel wants a child with his eyes and my face... at the risk of sounding utterly rediculous, thats what I want more than anything...

But I have to see this from Daniel's point of view... It's a sad subject, but I'll make this vow online right now, privately to myself or any sad sod who stumbles upon this website;

I'll stand by him 100%. Without fail. I'll be there holding his hand every steo of the wa and if it's true and the worst, then I won't abandon him on this. No way, no how.

Well, i guess thats enough griping for tonight. I suppose times getting on now...

02:39

Not bad, an hour of non-stop typing. Quite proud, really.

TTFN :)

I feel the magic between you and I....

A much needed Update

Well, about time, huh people?

Well, as of date, I lost my job as a barmaid. Not much of a loss, as I have just got a new job, a sort of "everything" job. Well, I quite like that idea. I like a bit of variety, and I'm allowed to go about things my own way, which is very refreshing. Opens my eyes about the hygeine side of the catering industry, however.

However, after a wobbly and slightly rocky start, Daniel and I are living together finally, and mums in her caravan. Tonight we had a takeaway as we're tired of eating nothing but pasta and bread, and its a lazy night (No more tidying).

Also, Daniel lost his job. Awww, it's a blessing in disguise. He was frustrated there and truthfully, what prospects did he have? I really believe he has the business-type brain required to go far in work, and I'm quite excited for him. He is currently working as a fry-cook in McDonalds, and is very much enjoying himself, as he has a good few friends there with him. I don't give it long till he's promoted though :D

Well, I'm sorry it's not been an exciting update, but I'm feeling quite tired at the moment due to my day. Time for sleep! :D

"Go cheetah, Get banana,
Go monkey, Get funky!"~ Tarzan and Jane, Toybox

GOOD GOD!

It's all happening at once!!!

On Mother's Day, mum went out and bought her a little present for herself... little in the loosest possible term. Gargantuan might be the word we're looking for here.

Mum bought a caravn. To live in. The best, lovliest one we saw. And on the best little caravan park i've ever been on. It's a residential one, except for about 6 weeks, then she could stay with me.

But... oh boy, Me and Daniel will be taking care of the house until it's sold. Or rented. That could take months, then we could get a flat! Yes people, me and Daniel are moving in together at the end of the month!

So excited. Shame we can't do what we want with the place as it isn't technically ours and has to look good to other people, but we'll be working together to make something worthwhile- a home for ourselves.

I'll be starting work next week on Monday, and from there I'll be getting a steady flow of money in. Money is on my mind though. I know I can control myself with money when I really go out of my way, but Daniel... I just don't want debts on my back from his spending. He has to really learn, so this "trial period" will really do him good.

On another note, I've been a bit ill the last week, flu symptoms then a general cough that won't shift. Guuurrrrrr.

Until then, aloha!

"I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionares," ~ Savage Garden, Affirmation

Spreading my wings

I feel a little shaky... I'm starting to leave the nest.

My wings are finally starting to spread and the feathers are starting to grow... yes people, I've taken the first step. I guess I really am grown-up now.

The impossible finally happened people, I managed to get a job... somehow :D I'm officially a barmaid at the Roaring Donkey, a pub in the village next to me. The walk during the day is very pleasant, a stroll across a field and up a road and country lanes, but during the night (During which i will be working) I'll have to use cabs. Well, be no difference if I smoked, huh? Only a fiver a night.

I hope I get paid monthly. Then I could properly keep tabs on my wages and the temptation isn't at my fingertips next time I want a sandwich or something I don't need.

I can hear the rain outside my window now, tapping on the window and certainly not helping my newfound paranoia.

Confused?

Long story cut short: Daniel bought Bioshock for the 360, and I decided to give it a go. I am now officially terrifed of dentists. Especially dentists in knee deep water and thick fog. And games like that make me paranoid. I am now very jumpy until Daniel returns home, which will be in about... 1 hour 40 minuites. Very long for someone in a creepy as hell house which has scratchy noises an boilers. I wish I never played it.



Nice.



Just a filling. Honest.


Walk-of-life Out.

"Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue- tied and twisted, just an earth-bound misfit, I" ~ Pink Floyd's Learning to Fly

an old entry and a reveiw

Is it me, or does the New Year seem to be the busiest time of the year?

Anyone who says Januarys are boring is lying. Lying through their teeth. Since the last post I wrote in this blog, I have lost a sister and gained a very distant step- something. Well, many things have happened on that front but I don’t really like talking about arguments, especially the particularly nasty ones.

On another, brighter note, I have noticed that spring is once again in the air. I do love the first notes of spring. The air smells different, that fresh, green smell that wafts on the breeze that’s neither too hot nor too cold. I love awakening into a wintry world where the earth is encrusted with ice and frost, and watching and feeling the world awaken and warm as the day wears on.

It makes me happy, more energetic; the touch of the sun warming my back even when I am indoors just gives me a sense of hope. It’s also infectious!

You can feel this hope from every creature on earth as they wake up from their winter slumber, from the tiniest crocus (The first flowers) to the first bars of the song that the blackbird sings. Soon we will be hearing the dawn and dusk chorus, that beautiful watery warbling of the morning song.

(It also makes me feel much more poetic ;-)

One of the early stories of Valentine is that the birds paired up with their mates on the 14th February, especially the dove, who it and it’s relatives mate for life. Valentine’s Day is actually deeply centred on spring birds, ever heard of the bird of love, the Turtledove? Or Lovebirds, cooing and billing each other? And when you hear two lovers kissing and calling each other pet names, it’s said that they are “cooing” to each other, or the way a mother “coos” to a baby.

I have also deducted that February is the mating month for humans. Or more specifically, my family. No, don’t laugh; it’s quite true! There are 7 family members so far recorded that were born in September- October months, plus several more born in November. And Daniel, he was born a day before me! Seems that there’s a strong family link here. Wonder if it’s hereditary? :D

The Libra Link. I could make a million out of that term!

This was the blog entry I had written on the day before Valentines Day. Wow, I was in a good mood! Today is a different story with the weather front. It seems today that Mother Nature has gone into a fierce cold snap, laying thick fog over my town like some large, sinister blanket, making the once-blue skies grey and thick.

And along with the weather going downhill, my taste seems to have slipped with it. On my break from maths questions on ratio (which in the first five minuites made my frontal lobe shut down from confusion) I took the time, in my temporary insanity, to buy a Ginsters Indian Style Spicy Chicken Pasty.
And wow, do my taste buds hate me right now. Armed with a strawberry milkshake (my old faithful) and chewing gum ready to re-fresh my breath, I opened the package eagerly and took my first chunk.

At first I was surprised that it actually tasted Indian. Well, Indian-ish. The chicken tasted manufactured, wishy-washy and reminiscent of the meat skewers that I ate at a recent party that almost gave me chronic food poisoning. Maybe it’s just me as I am started to enjoy salad a lot more than I used to and actually moving off of the carnivorism, which, not that long ago, used to be my lifeblood.

The pastry was bland, the meat was bland, the colour was bland, and the flavour was, you guessed it… BLAND! The only strong essence to it was that the maker had stuffed this poor pastry to the brim with cloves, which made the mush inside taste remarkably like Chanel No.5. After this harrowing experience (and I ate the whole lot save for the end when I couldn’t stomach any more taste torture), I actually rinsed and gargled my mouth with my strawberry milkshake. Can anyone say “Cavity”?

Now, as I sit writing this entry, I am busy chewing two Wrigley’s spearmint gums whilst my digestive tract recovers.

Avoid the Indian Pasties at all costs. I don’t care if you’re in the middle of nuclear winter and you’ve got three limbs growing out of your chest and your kidneys have bred, DON’T TOUCH THEM.

Gnaw that ear off that’s growing on your foot. It’s probably more nutritious anyway.


“From now on, I’ll connect-the-dots my own way” ~ Bill Watterson

Writers block

Its about as big my HOUSE.

Seriously, who has writers block big enough to stop them writing in their blog? Their blog. It seems that Chesney Hawkes is the only entity to even make me dare to write down in this web log of mine.

Artistic creativity is fine, however. I've churned out some brilliant stuff. it seems that my creativity ebbs in two rivers and hasnt got the ability to multitask, being one or the other. Unlike my real life, In which I am finding myself in more and more situations where I am required to make tea, cook, write application forms and wash up the dishes all in the space of 5- 10 minuites. Jesus, im not superwoman. Which I really, dearly wish i were sometimes.

On another, more cheerful note, It was mine and Daniels first Valentine's day together, In which started with a little bit of a comedic whimper rather than a full blown passionate affair, much unlike some other, luckier couples. In the middle of our *ahem* antics, we were surprised to my dear old daddy-in-law bursting in, opening curtains, yelling all the way. Its like he knew...

However the day carried on quite nicely, and built up more and more into quite simply, the best Valentines day i have ever had the pleasure to experience. Jesus, I am so very lucky to have my daniel. I think that very often nowadays.

Sometimes I think it too often. Sometimes I find myself, in the middle of our hugs, suddenly gripping onto his back and holding him as tight as I can, as though any hug might be our last. I dunno, I get so very frightened sometimes, anything can happen around the corner. Sometimes I find myself praying that nothing will come along to ruin this wonderful gift we both share. I might be negative, paranoid, whatever. But whatever comes along in the future, I intend to treasure every secnd we have together.

And on another note (phew, this writing exactly whats on your mind thing really seems to have worked), my cousin Marie is coming to stay with us this weekend. And frankly, I couldnt be happier. She's safe here. She has me, Mum, John and Daniel all here, looking after her. Well, not so much Daniel as of yet as they are practically still strangers, but that doesnt matter as of yet. They're shy of eachother still, but he's still got her back. Anyway, the reasons why she is gracing us with her presence this weekend is quite classified and not exactly what I want plastered over the internet and only known to a few friends and family, but to you, it's a long story. So I wont tell.

Nyah.

Well, that seems to have worked for the second. Oh yeah, you might wonder why the post from last month has been deleted. it caused me a huge amount of guilt (brought on by myself) and for personal reasons I am taking it down. But, Im still a supporter of topfree!

Hooray!

*Also, I have a job interview next week. Wish me luck! ;)

Canvey Island

I have come to realise that this blog is predominantly written during my college hours. Well, i have come to realise that I am easily distracted.

Well, I've always known that, and also known I have big enough bollocks to put those easily distracted thoughts to use and go on here to take my mind away... metaphorically of course. :D

I have also realized that i need a real camera. A decent one. Not my current camera which is no better than my camera on my Nokia 6070 (whoever has owned one of these bricks would know just how frustrating these excuses for mobile phones really are. The only positive thing I can say is that it's so simple Jade Goody could operate it with her tongue, and it holds its battery like a camel holds it's water)

*hiss*

Does anyone have a good idea on how much a good camera costs and what models to go for? Any replies would be much appreciated!

Also, my Daniel is on his way right now to take his first theory test on driving. I'm quite nervous for him, as this will mean he'll have his license by mid-February... Heaven. I really cannot wait till he does!

The first place to go on the list when he gets it is good old Canvey Island. Ahhh, Canvey Island.

I can still smell the soggy smell of wet seaweed on the "beach" or, more specifically, the stones, and see the oil liners transporting their cargo up the Thames estuary through the mist that constantly hangs in the centre of the water, even in heatwaves.

The sound of children screaming with surprise as they run into the murky frozen waves, middle aged couples walking their dogs with hands stuffed in their fleeces and the big cafe that used to sell assorted seaside related nicknacks such as crablines, buckets and spades, candyfloss and the like.

Then you would walk up the stairs, through an iron gate in the sea defense wall, down the grassy slope and into the centre of the action, where the crazy golf area resides, the arcades flash their fairground lights as all children under 4.5 feet tall drag their exhausted parents inside to further empty their pockets on trying to grab a cheap soft toy on the crane machines, and the centre of this seaside wonderland?

The Monico Pub. Oh Monico, with your white rounded edges and stark, classic typography on the walls in scarlet red and rickety wooden benches that stang your bum when you sat down, shivering in your swimsuit wrapped in a sandy beach towel, sipping your coke and crunching your ready salted Walkers while the adults glugged down their assorted beers and the odd gin 'n tonic... at least, thats how I remember it.

Canvey, Canvey, you are home to so many childhood memories, from eating fish and chips in the chip shop next to the arcades, holding on for dear life on the ancient crumbling parachute ride waiting for it to fall down (but it never did, at least when we went on it. Apparently thats why the fairground isnt there anymore) to winning my two old goldfish in the summer and kept them alive for 3 years. RIP Jimi and Hendrix :(

Oh Daniel, please pass your test. I can't wait to smell that smell and hear those sounds and taste those chips and candyfloss.

Happy Songs

"Look at me so free
Nothings holding me down
Look at me so free
Can’t keep my feet on the ground
1-2-3 Like a bird I sing
Cause you've given me the most beautiful set of wings"


Simple, yet effective, non?

Sitting here, in a humble little college on the edge of Clacton town, on the top floor, listening to the girls around me bitch and whine in their screeching voices and the tutor talking in the plain politocally correct monotone voice that all taught teachers and tutors talk in, it's easy to feel a bit... well, pissed off!

Which is why, when i come in through that door in the early hours of the morn, I plug my ears into one of the only music channels the college will allow us to listen to, most likely because they dont know about it, and my day is set to beat. A drum beat, that is :)

And whilst listening to this heaven sent music channel, a cheerful baritone enters my ears in the guise of a modern country singer by the name of Tim Mcgraw. Unfazed, i carried on with my musings and work, and when the song finished it's merry tune, something made me turn the song back and listen again, this time closer.

It was called The Last Dollar, and was a song about freedom, happiness, retribution, and the simple satisfactions in life. It sang about laughing in the face of the bad things that may have happened in your past, and even if you have nothing, theres still a smile. Because, at the end of the day, theres the future, and you can make that happen.

And to think, the only way I found this remarkable song was by being a bored college student surfing songs on Yahoo Music for some form of sanity.

Now I can't stop listening to it :D

Heres a link, follow them to the video


http://music.yahoo.com/ar-256961---Tim-McGraw Enjoy!

Back at home, and Calvin and Hobbes

Well people, i came back home!

After a hell of a night last Monday, I have returned to my home. And I couldnt be happier, tell the truth. Peace is reining again and all is good in my world :)

So, on a lighter note, lately i have returned to an old favorite and fandom of mine (I use the word "fandom" in the LOOSEST possible term, regarding my experiences with fandoms) CALVIN AND HOBBES.

Seriously, what a wonderful, beautiful comic! When i read them, a sense of my own childhood washes over me as i read them, memories flooding back as I watch Calvin live them out with his stuffed tiger. I also feel a big connection with Calvin, as when i was younger I often felt alone.

I was an only child, so I was brought up predominantly around adults at least three times my age. I often sat day-dreaming and doodling, thinking up stories and adventures. I was a little girlier and less active than Calvin and Hobbes, but I had my moments. I especially relate to the bathtime and bedtime comics, and the just plain "being a bastard" comics, like this one below. I even had a stuffed toy that I took everywhere with me, and believed he was real. Ahhh, memories.

Still haven't got a job. I applied for a job in T Mobile (Def. not my sort of job, but hey, its work and it was very good money) and they at least had the dignity to let me know they had rejected me. I have applied for a full time gardner in Colchester Zoo (now thats more like it) and a cleaner in an old folks home, but no reply from either.

Crossing fingers that I'm succesful in at least one, seeing that i currently have 70p to my name. (Not overreacting either, my bank statements don't lie)

Till Next time, it's a magical world out there, so lets go exploring! ;)

Emma xxx

*all images belong to Bill Watterson

New Year, New blog!

Hello Readers!



Well, if you've followed my link from http://www.walk-of-life.deviantart.com/ , welcome! If you've stumbled on here by accident, i welcome you with open arms and hope you'll enjoy this blog. I'll try to keep it interesting, but hopefully you'll enjoy the ramblings, rants, tears and joys of a fairly ordinary 18 year old girl living in britain.



Well, life has been quite cool since the beginning of the year. I had a rather interesting new years, reulting in a days long hangover. Well, I'm practically teetotal during the year, i rarely drink. Even when i go out, which is almost every week, i can manage on coke, with the occasional malibu and pineapple when i can afford it or when my other half, Daniel, offers. So imagine the shock it sent to my body when i downed two pints of lambrini and half a very very sickly bottle made out of raspberries in the space of three hours. Needless to say i collapsed.



Since after the inevitable overhang, i managed to scratch out a few new years resolutions, most along the lines of money and money managing.





Even though the year is technically still in its nappies and crying for its mother, i have a confession. I hate Jim Carrey.



Yes! I hate the sod! He's so IRRITATING!



This came from watching the film The Grinch. It's the mask in a Grinch suit! I swear I felt the ground beneath me shake and rumble as I felt Chuck Jones and Dr Seuss turn and flip in their graves as Carrey butchered their masterpeices. With a blunt, rusted AXE. The Grinch (the original one) would NEVER do all the goofy things Jim made his Grinch do. And the Whos! Are we supposed to side with these horrible creatures? And the original Cindy Lou had a much smaller, but equally prominant role in her own subtle, innocent way. Instead, those suits made her a preachy, squeaky-voiced, perky and determined 8 year old. And thats another thing.

In the words of Doctor Suess...

And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!
Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two.

CINDY LOU IS TWO! NOT EIGHT! TWO! A BABY!

Phew.

So people, if you want to honour the Dr and his memory, instead of sticking them in front of the live action for for 1 and a half hours, sit them down in front of Chuck Jone's version. Or better yet, read them the original, straight from Suess's pen.

Thank you!