Its been a long time

Right now, as I sit at the computer and listen to the tapping of the keyboard in front of me, I look to the digital clock on the bottom right hand side of the window.

01:30

It is currently half one in the morning, and I am not the slightest bit tired. In fact, Im more awake now than I have been all day. And all through my head I cant help but think of all the issues on my mind, trying to organise them into little categories in the lobes of my brain so maybe I'll be able to think more logically. Well, maybe it would be better if I explain my current situation, to make life a tad easier for you.

I am fresh from a new job, it lasted the grand total of 3 weeks. 3 Bloody weeks? Wait, before you judge me and give me that "beggars cant be choosers" bullcrap, I'll explain.

The job from Fairlawns Care Home in Wash lane began as a huge project for me. I dedicated weeks to obtaining this job, letters, phone calls upon phone calls, and I was constantly knocking at the front door. The home was small, but seemed decent, and the residents seemed nice (Even if they were obviously suffering from severe dementia) so I decided i'd give this job my all, my best.

I applied for a post as a carer, but whilst my CRB check was being processed, I would become a domestic. A favour, the manager said. And at the time, I agreed, I'm quite the workaholic at heart and I didn't want to spend any more mornings watching The Jeremy Kyle Show and vegetating in front of the laptop, so naturally I jumped at the chance. The first week was fine, if a bit hectic. Naive, silly me soon began to learn that three hours to clean a 14 bedroomed house, each with its own on-suite bathroom, was a near- impossible task. I left two hours late on ym first day, and that pattern followed the week onwards.

Things only began to become worse. I was being given more jobs to do within the already squeezed alloted time, and if they werent done properly, I was made to feel as if one of the residents could do it standing on their heads. So I did my job dutily, albeit leaving about 2- 3 hours after my finishing time, if only to impress them.

Then, the major day came. The day me, an unqualified, untrained, unchecked domestic (my CRB came late) was asked to stay on as a Carer, if only for that night. I was excited beyond excitement, even though a nagging thought at the back of my head was telling me it was a dodgy move. I didnt care, I was finally thinking "I've done something right! Wow!" I came back excited and promptly, and was soon asked to help.

I was horrified at what I saw, and had to ask my mother for her opinion. I was very sad to hear that this kind of treatment is common in the caring career and even though it is very, very wrong, theres nothing I can do about it. The carer came into an old lady's room, stripped her, bathed her, lifted her and dressed her (with my help) without uttering a single word to her. I was disgusted and had to leave the room with tears in my eyes. All I could see was someone's mother, someone's wife, someone's loved one being pulled about as if she wasn't human, just a rag doll. During that night I was asked to move someone from the lounge and landed up dropping a lady (She wasnt hurt, I lowered her to the floor as gently as I could), turns out that was very wrong since I should have done a moving and handling course THAT VERY SECOND I WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR AS AN EMPLOYEE, and was left alone to clean a woman up after only watching two people get changed. Yes, me, an unknown off the street, left to clean a woman. I could be anyone! I'd never ever hurt a person ever, but someone else might. I cleaned her up best I could and got told off because I took too long.

It's a shame, that lady loved me to pieces.

None of the english employees believed my story after that. So, I left, and with it, my dignity. I want to work for a good, lawful place with no threat that I'll get in trouble just trying to help people. I've been offered a place in my mother's care home, and I am jumping at that chance. It's a bit of a hop, skip and a jump away but it's fine for me. As long as I don't have that word "UNEMPLOYED" after my name again. God i hate that fucking word.

Sigh. Thing on my mind number 2. It's that taboo word... fertility.

Strange thing for me, a near 19 year old to be thinking about, but it doesnt take Einstein to figure somethings afoot with either me or Daniel. It's not as if we're trying for a baby, thats a bit of a steep hill to climb and our finances barely have room to contain us (and even then it's a stretch) but from the beginning of our relationship, my contraception- taking routine is sketchy at the very best. One instance, in the fourth month of our relationship, I took the grand total of 7 pills, and at the time we were going at it like a pair of rabbits (heh!). From the words from Daniel himself, if one of us were working right, I'd be ready to pop now, or even had it now.


Either we've been extremely lucky, or somethings amiss here. The reason for this to be brought to light is the fact I'm tired of my pill-taking, and want the implant. But theres not much point if one of us is "firing blanks" so to speak.

We've always had these suspicions, since Daniel had an incident once, and they were so damaged that the tubes might be damaged. Emphasis on MIGHT.

So, Daniel's hospital appointment is coming up. He's terrified, and to be honest, so am I. I've naturally promised to stay with him if worst comes to worst (Better for worse never meant so much) so the wedding is definately going ahead, and the way I look at it, theres a little boy or girl out there wanting a loving home and needing a family.

But deep down, I want to feel a litlun growing inside me, to feel that unique bond of mother and child. Daniel wants a child with his eyes and my face... at the risk of sounding utterly rediculous, thats what I want more than anything...

But I have to see this from Daniel's point of view... It's a sad subject, but I'll make this vow online right now, privately to myself or any sad sod who stumbles upon this website;

I'll stand by him 100%. Without fail. I'll be there holding his hand every steo of the wa and if it's true and the worst, then I won't abandon him on this. No way, no how.

Well, i guess thats enough griping for tonight. I suppose times getting on now...

02:39

Not bad, an hour of non-stop typing. Quite proud, really.

TTFN :)

I feel the magic between you and I....